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TORTOISE ISLANDS
 OUR
MORE of the largest banks in the Tortoise Islands have been hit
by the deepening sub-primate mortgage crisis that has swept The
Islands. The crisis has spread overseas in headline news with severe
implications for other major world economies such as the United
States, Zimbabwe and Europe.
The deepening crisis, which has now swept up four major
banks like a broom, began when investors bought off the shelf, under
the counter, up the sleeve, below the radar, sleight of hand, collateralized
debt obligations hedged by margin calls in securitized mortgages,
asset-backed in derivative vehicles and commercial notes side issued
under the table. These core vehicles were originally designed by
economists from the World
Chaos Disorganization (WCD).
The latest dramatic casualties are ChimpiBank, Monkey
Lunch, OrangutanStanley and Lemur Brothers, widely regarded as four
of the most respected banks in the Tortoise Islands.
The Chairman of the Feral Reserve, Mr Alan Dreamspam, is widely
expected to intervene in the sub-primate crisis as a matter of urgency
as soon as possible without delay, possibly as soon as just two
months after the Reserve moves without hesitation to convene an
emergency meeting on 1 April next year.
F N Trembull, Snr Economics Reporter
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ZIMBABWE
N ERROR has been
identified in the official poll results for the June 29 Zimbabwe
run-off elections. The election was resoundingly won by Dearest
Leader, His Excellency, Wonderful Person, Defender of Justice, Font
of Wisdom, Philosopher Extraordinaire, Six Star General, Very Handsome,
President For Life, Sir Robert Mugabe M.Econ., K.C.Z.E., Dada Imperial
Emperor: Zanu-PF.
The official government results from the Harare Tally
Room were 127 per cent for Mr Mugabe (ZANU-PF) and -37 per cent
for Mr Morgan Tsangirai (MDC).
Political analysts from the prestigious Camford University
School of Mathematics in England have pointed out that the sum of
127 and -37 is only 90, which would of course be impossible.
The university group has pointed out that ZANU-PF must
have fudged the figures by 10 per cent, and that the final corrected
tally figures should stand at ZANU-PF (127 per cent) and MDC (-27
per cent), resulting in an accurate margin differential of 154 per
cent. The revised figures, however, still deliver a convincing win
to Mr Mugage and world leaders are expected to recognise the election
result within days.
P
T Tmombo, Zimbabwe Bureau
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CONGO
 olice
in Central Africa have announced that the world's largest diamond,
the Hopeless Diamond, has been stolen. Widely regarded as the most
intriguing diamond in the world, the Hopeless Diamond is reputed
to surround it's bearer with misfortune. Yet it is supremely beautiful,
and therein lies its incomparable attraction.
The Hopeless Diamond had been on public display in the Treasure
Room at the Congo Museum of Antiquities in the Republic of the Congo.
After opening the museum on Monday morning, guards noticed that
the glass cabinet had been smashed open and it's contents removed.
Rare and priceless artifacts in the same room were mysteriously
left untouched.
Road blocks were set up around the museum but to no avail,
and the diamond remains at large. Police are baffled by the theft.
Firstly, as the largest and most famous diamond in the world, it
cannot be worn in public without arousing suspicion. And secondly,
with such a terrible reputation, the possessor of the Hopeless Diamond
must be constantly worried by its fearsome history.
Seven previous owners of the diamond met horrible or violent
deaths, all within a short time of taking possession of the gem.
Special
Report : J D Grayde, Congo Bureau
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SWITZERLAND
N EXCLUSIVE report
obtained by Loungecast from reliable Swiss Navy sources states that
the world's largest robot Kingpin
Tin has been sighted in Switzerland. The terrifying documents
state that the Navy went on to full red alert before losing contact
with Kingpin Tin as 12 Swiss F18 fighters were scrambled like an
omelette.
Kingpin Tin has not been seen, at least officially,
since 2006 when he was officially confirmed as being in Nth Korea
around the time of the controversial long range missile tests. No
theory or reason has yet been advanced for that visit, said government
spokesperson Kim De Jung, who didn't want to be named.
However, in Switzerland, scientists fear that Kingpin
Tin is there to coincide with the imminent activation of the controversial
Large Hadron Collider (LHC) now being tested. It is feared that
Kingpin Tin is seeking sub-atomic particles for his next-gen weapon
systems which may even include hypothetical killer particles known
as strangelets. If so, it would add to speculation that Kingpin
Tin is developing a death ray to add to his already formidable armoury.
Back in the Tortoise Islands, in response to the Swiss
crisis, the head of The Island's armed forces, General Backbreaker,
is rumored to be increasing security surrounding the WCD's
experimental Even Larger Particle Collider (ELPC) as their testing
program continues.
T E Crangborough, Switzerland Bureau
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